First Day Of School

So Andrew is established once again at BU. He has a part time job at the College Bookstore and he loves it. He has a friend from BLS for his room mate this year. He's very busy in his life there and so far no complaints. I went thru my usual separation anxiety, but I didn't really think I was as bad as last year. Andrew would probably argue that point, but he wasn't experiencing it from my end. I thought I was being fairly reasonable with my request to call and check in with me on a regular basis, same day and about the same time of day each week. And that would've satisfied me. And then I would've relaxed and let go some more. But he didn't, and he didn't return my calls til they got more frantic. And then he was mad.
That hurt. And it forced me to let him go. So I wait...wait for him to acknowledge me. To call me. And he does. And when I have to call him, I leave a request for him to call me back at his convenience. And he does. He's 19 and finding his way. But I try to always remind him that I'm here if he needs me. Of course I do what I can, and sometimes, its not right away. But he gets that and I think he appreciates me more now that there is this subtle distance. I'm across town, but I might as well be across the state. And I respect his need for independence. I just didn't know it would come so quickly. 19 years went by awfully fast.

Thomas entered 1st Grade this year. He doesn't like me to kiss him goodbye before he goes to wait in the line for the door. I have to get my kiss in the car. And he doesn't hold my hand anymore when we're near the other kids. My nose was bent for awhile. But I got over it.
Then came a little program his After-School YMCA put on, and he was dressed as a pumpkin and sang a couple songs with the other kids. But as he walked down the aisle to the stage, he saw me with the camera, and hissed at me to not take his picture. He did it all the way up to the stage, on the stage, during the songs and afterwards. I had stopped taking his picture after a couple shots. I felt really hurt. He said it was "embarassing" and he felt "humiliated". And that he wanted to leave. I had made caramel apples and brought popcorn balls for the party. I wanted to be a proud mom. I wasn't. I was embarassed. And I wanted to leave. But I didn't. I stuck it out. Other parents and teachers noticed his behavior. And I didn't want them to think I couldn't handle it or that it was a big deal. We went home, and then he felt bad. He was sorry. He tried to make me feel better. And after a little while I did.
But...part of me still lingers there...the knowing that I have to let my little boy go. Seems sooner than the 19 year old. But now that I think of it, Andrew was pulling away then too. Only it was quieter. Thomas is a more vocal child, quick to demand his needs and wants.

And I'm sure if either of them gets wind of this blog, they will freak out. I don't care. This is who I am. I'm not embarassed or humiliated. I love my boys and warts and all, when they make me proud and when they don't, I'll always love my boys. I'm just hoping they can be proud of me too. Maybe if I write a book someday and make millions like J.K. Rowling...