Images of Christmas 2007

Snow Queen "statue" in Quincy Market
(actual female performance artist)


Our 2007 Christmas Tree














Gazebo in a North End park
I walk thru this on my way to work.













Patriotic image from our porch.














Thomas and Reggie the Snowman

A "Perfect" Christmas

I am a closet perfectionist. What that means to me is...I think like a perfectionist, and aim for perfect outcomes, and get stressed if things don't turn out perfectly, but in all actuality, my car and house aren't perfect, and I'm unorganized and cluttered. But the desire is always there to clean and organize, and have my home look like a showplace or a layout in a magazine, like Better Homes and Garden.
So I'm usually stressed out at Christmas-time. And as a consequence, I get moody and irritable, and don't get to enjoy the moment.
I did things a little differently this year...
After a month on my new job at the North End Rehab Center, I'm finally getting the hang of the place. I picked up a couple extra nights during each of the 2 weeks prior to Christmas, and even though it brought in good money, I really had no time to do anything for the holiday. And I needed to rely on help from my boys at home...Bob, Andrew and Thomas. I don't like to have them decorate, and it's Mom's job usually. But I decided I needed them to do it or it wouldn't get done at all, and I had so much on my plate as it was.
It took Bob about 5 days to put the tree up. I had bought it and stuck it out on the back porch exactly a week before Christmas. Got a good deal, $25 for any tree in the garden centers lot. Then the next day, he put up the lights...he just laid them over the tree, you can see every wire. Andrew and Thomas hung up all the cards, and put about 12 ornaments on the branches (I have about 6 storage boxes of ornaments) and put up the stockings (one brass hanger was missing, so they hung the cats stocking off the end table with a plastic pink hanger. I found the brass one, so the cats joined the rest of ours on the bookshelf).
I was going to bake cookies too, with Thomas, so Santa would have homemade on his plate. And I wanted to bring some to work that night (I was working Christmas) and to my Mother-in-laws the next day. Well a bakery run on Xmas Eve, decided it for me...they had perfectly lovely gingerbread men that fit the bill, along with dessert and other treats I could bring to the Cape next day. Work would have to go without. More time saved for more important things.
Bob and Thomas helped me wrap gifts...no ribbons, no bows. I took care of the relatives gifts myself.
Bob also took care of Thomas, did laundry, dishes, and Andrew took care of Thomas and himself. We didn't have any homecooked food that past week, except one crockpot of pot roast. No matter.
We never put up Xmas lights and I slapped a real wreath up on the gate ($4.99 at Stop and Shop, on sale) and the wreath I made years back, went on the front door Dec. 24th. One candle went into one of the front windows.
I sent out only 19 cards this year, as opposed to the 52 I usually send. And not everyone got a Xmas letter. The lines were out the door at the Post Office most of the time these last 2 weeks. I ended up buying my stamps at a local convenience store. And even if they were not the Christmas themed I originally wanted, and even had a dream about recently (very Freudian as I had been worried I wouldn't get the cards mailed on time), still...they got the job done.
When I got home Christmas morning, we opened gifts (the boys had already started and I never bothered putting the rule down for waiting for me to get home 1st, like I usually do), and then afterwards, slept for a couple hours and then we went to the Cape. Dinner was wonderful, and delicious. As a surprise, some of Bob's relatives came to his mom's house for dessert, cousins he hasn't seen in more than a few years. And 3 I hadn't met before. THAT was great!
I was exhausted on the way home later that evening, and had failed to get more gas, and then realized we needed to, but nothing was open. But we had enough as long as we kept up the pace, then "Murphy's Law" kicked in and when we got to 93 north, there'd been an accident ahead that stopped traffic! Now I REALLY needed gas. Got off somewhere in Dorchester, (I frequently read about shootings there, and as a result, I never go in there), and we drove around looking for a station, and I was very nervous and increasingly upset that we may get stuck there. And just when the gas light came on and I was driving on fumes, we found 2 gas stations open and I coasted into one and filled the tank. Got back on 93 and found we were just one exit away from the tunnel, and were home within 10 minutes, go figure! hahaha. But other than that we had a good time.
I let the boys do alot for me this week, and it wasn't perfect (by my standards anyways), but you know? I shouldn't say that, cuz it WAS perfect. They did it, and even tho Martha Stewart would've died seeing it... the lights were on the tree, and MOST of them were lit, hahaha. And some ornaments made it onto the tree, and with the candles I lit all over the living room, and the paper snowflakes I had made earlier and hung all over the ceiling, it was very BEAUTIFUL, and they were proud to have been allowed to do it themselves and in their way and I never had to repeat a request and sometimes they did things all on their own. It really was wonderful!
And the Boys all got along. No arguing or fighting over ANYTHING. My love for them and appreciation in all their participation and work, made it for me, a very stress free day. The BEST Christmas gift I ever received.
I also got a nice surprise from my neice, Erin, all the way down in Virginia...a package of yummy homemade cookies and fudge. Santa could have homemade on his plate after all.

So in conclusion, I have to say that it's not about lowering my standards. I will still aim for the best I can do. But now, I realize being the best doesn't always mean being perfect.
Perfect results happen when you feel at peace as you look around you. Seeing the happiness your children and spouse feel because they helped out and you didn't complain and you praised their efforts and deemed it beautiful. Because it was beautiful.

Perfectionism is overrated.

"A happy New Year! Grant that I
May bring no tear to any eye
When this New Year in time shall end
Let it be said I've played the friend,
Have lived and loved and labored here,
And made of it a happy year."
~Edgar Guest, American Poet (1881-1959)

First Day Of School

So Andrew is established once again at BU. He has a part time job at the College Bookstore and he loves it. He has a friend from BLS for his room mate this year. He's very busy in his life there and so far no complaints. I went thru my usual separation anxiety, but I didn't really think I was as bad as last year. Andrew would probably argue that point, but he wasn't experiencing it from my end. I thought I was being fairly reasonable with my request to call and check in with me on a regular basis, same day and about the same time of day each week. And that would've satisfied me. And then I would've relaxed and let go some more. But he didn't, and he didn't return my calls til they got more frantic. And then he was mad.
That hurt. And it forced me to let him go. So I wait...wait for him to acknowledge me. To call me. And he does. And when I have to call him, I leave a request for him to call me back at his convenience. And he does. He's 19 and finding his way. But I try to always remind him that I'm here if he needs me. Of course I do what I can, and sometimes, its not right away. But he gets that and I think he appreciates me more now that there is this subtle distance. I'm across town, but I might as well be across the state. And I respect his need for independence. I just didn't know it would come so quickly. 19 years went by awfully fast.

Thomas entered 1st Grade this year. He doesn't like me to kiss him goodbye before he goes to wait in the line for the door. I have to get my kiss in the car. And he doesn't hold my hand anymore when we're near the other kids. My nose was bent for awhile. But I got over it.
Then came a little program his After-School YMCA put on, and he was dressed as a pumpkin and sang a couple songs with the other kids. But as he walked down the aisle to the stage, he saw me with the camera, and hissed at me to not take his picture. He did it all the way up to the stage, on the stage, during the songs and afterwards. I had stopped taking his picture after a couple shots. I felt really hurt. He said it was "embarassing" and he felt "humiliated". And that he wanted to leave. I had made caramel apples and brought popcorn balls for the party. I wanted to be a proud mom. I wasn't. I was embarassed. And I wanted to leave. But I didn't. I stuck it out. Other parents and teachers noticed his behavior. And I didn't want them to think I couldn't handle it or that it was a big deal. We went home, and then he felt bad. He was sorry. He tried to make me feel better. And after a little while I did.
But...part of me still lingers there...the knowing that I have to let my little boy go. Seems sooner than the 19 year old. But now that I think of it, Andrew was pulling away then too. Only it was quieter. Thomas is a more vocal child, quick to demand his needs and wants.

And I'm sure if either of them gets wind of this blog, they will freak out. I don't care. This is who I am. I'm not embarassed or humiliated. I love my boys and warts and all, when they make me proud and when they don't, I'll always love my boys. I'm just hoping they can be proud of me too. Maybe if I write a book someday and make millions like J.K. Rowling...

Letting go

"The successful mother sets her children free, and becomes free herself in the process."
Robert J. Havighurst